Wednesday, February 21, 2007
So, today is February 21st and in a month’s time I will be getting ready to post my muffin top/camel toe report. By the end of March the weather gets much better and people decide to start wearing the same lighter clothes they were wearing back when the weather was nice and warm. The problem is that most people gain a few pounds over the winter to protect themselves against the wind and snow and who can blame them. There is just more to love and cuddle with, provided, of course, that you are part of a cuddling couple. However, we forget what the extra sweetness does to the waistline when crammed into clothes made for the slimmer summer season and really we shouldn’t. Hence, the muffin top/camel toe report.
So, those of you who are counting the degrees on the thermometer as it inches upward have a choice you must make in the next 4 weeks. Either do your best to do away with the extra or buy a pair of pants that fit. I don’t care what you do. Just choose one. No one needs to see your camel toe.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
So, I have this dude who has developed a long distance crush on me and while at first it was ok, because he lives on the other side of the country, it has gotten out of hand. This person and I have a professional relationship and while he is pleasant to do business with, I really don’t need him calling me constantly and sending me a million text messages. Really who cultivates a crush on someone living on the other side of the country? He is a great guy, just not the guy for me. I think I need to write him a heart felt letter to express exactly how I feel. This is the first draft. Remember, you have to be cruel to be kind.
Dear Long Distance Crush Sufferer,
It seems to me that we need to talk as I think you need a little reminder of what is going on here. Please hear what I say and let it sink in. This is the naked truth. We work together and that is it. It is clear to me, due to the constant text messages, calls, emails and artificially extended phone conversations that you imagine there could be more than circulation and marketing between us. I don’t want to be harsh, but your relentless nature is forcing my reaction. There is nothing more between us. There will never be. Please believe me when I say we have no romantic future.
You may assume that I have led you on, but I have a naturally friendly and affable manner. This is how I make my way through the world. I was raised to charm and I have sharpened this skill to a knife edge. I could give lessons in the art of being disarming. Please don’t think that I turn this charm on for you. I don’t. You are not special, you do not inspire me to sparkle any more than I normally do and I am not using my charm to entice you. You are not being seduced.
In the end, you will see that I am a waste of your emotion. We live in different cities on opposite sides of the country. Only a madman would think there was a chance for us to develop the kind of relationship you are hoping for. I beg you, do not waste any more time or energy than you already have.
I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to get to that point. We will meet in person at our industry’s conference in June. We will have drinks and I will, no doubt, make you laugh. We will be in my hometown and I will be happy to show you around, invite you out with my friends and show you some of my favourite places. We will have a good time, but that is all it will be. If you try to romance me, you will fail, feel embarrassed and realize that you spent the last six months living in an illusion. It will be a bad day for you.
Please take my advice and use your charm on a woman in your area of the country. Choose someone who can appreciate you. Because where you are concerned, I am unavailable.
Yours in business only,