Prattle on
Thursday, March 01, 2007

So, last night a friend of mine and I were chatting on the way home from the gym when she told me the most ridiculous story. It wasn’t a long story. Well, it was more of a statement. She told me that on Thursday’s her boyfriend – who happens to be real nice looking – goes with her to the YMCA to take African dance class and he loves it*. The class is called “expressions African.” I am afraid to go to it due to the possibility that half the class may actually be the Tam tam girls who think they can do African dance to an ill-conceived drum beat under the July sun on Mt. Royal.

Anyway, this dude goes to a dance class with his girlfriend and he loves it. From what she tells me the class is an intense work out, and she suspects that is why he likes it so much. Whatever the reason, I can’t believe that guy is doing this, and I really want to see it.

I wondered for a few minutes where she found this lovely guy. Then I remembered they are from Alberta. I have had the opinion, for a while now, that in Alberta they raise their boys properly. Everyone wants a good Alberta boy. Everyone I know, who has an Albertan for a boyfriend has a wonderful guy.

It seems that there are a few traits to the good Alberta boys that makes them so, well, good. First, Albertans like to be employed, this puts them heads and tails above many of the available Montreal boys. Second, Alberta boys tend to be strapping farm lads and lead healthy lifestyles. Their manliness becomes them. The Vancouver pot-heads are generally to lazy for that. Third, the Albertan male seems to like companionate relationships. This trait is increasingly hard to find in the Toronto – and Montreal – male.

One key to the perfect Albertan boyfriend is that they have moved out of Alberta and probably will never move back. These Albertans, raised with all the above qualities also enjoy life in the country’s more, shall we say, spontaneous urban centres.

I really think that I should start some sort of “Date an Albertan” web site. It can run along side my “Date a publishing executive” site**. There must be thousands more Albertan boys who want out of Alberta, they just need a great reason, why not some charming non-Albertan ladies. I am sure Albertan women are just fine, I am sure they have great personalities, but don’t you want to get a get a job and start a companionate relationship in a different place, somewhere with exciting cultural and night life? Don’t you want to experience the larger cities with a local?

The second key is that the Albertan boy actually wants to be the Albertan man. This is important because the curse of the 21st century is that adults want to be 21 for the rest of their lives as if that is the best thing you could be. Right now, I think North America is plagued with people who don’t want to grow up and make adult decisions. Many of us would rather live like we are still in a university residence. This is why the movie “Old School” was so popular. However, I think that many of us missed the end where only the looser of the group continued that lifestyle and the main character moved out of the frat house and moved on with his life.

*I have met this guy a couple times and he never fails to charm. He is one of the guys who would end up with the prefix “The lovely.” His name is Mark, so, he’d be called The Lovely Mark. He would join a select group of men including, but not limited to “The lovely Matthew,” The Lovely Alex,” “The lovely guy at the cheese store in Jean Talon Market,” “The Lovely Nordic Looking Fellow at the YMCA.” You see where I’m going with this.

**“Date a Publishing Executive” is a web site that I have been tossing around in my head. It would be geared to investment bankers or corporate lawyers, cardio-thorasic surgeons basically people who make much more money than publishing executives but want to date someone who works in media or some other cultural industry because we are great at parties and dinners. Basically, we are awesome conversationalists and that can get you some much-needed social credit that may help with career advancement. A long shot? Absolutely. Worth a try? Totally!
Wednesday, February 28, 2007

So, about a year ago a friend of mine, who also happens to be a hopeless pervert, sent me a link to the ‘bounce-o-meter’ ( Needless to say I was a bit shocked which was OK because I was actually looking at the web site for the “shock absorber” bra. It is the best sports bra technology.

At the time, I was really interested in the bra, however since it is just stupid to order bras over the internet (I don’t care how small your boobs are, it is a bad decision) and they did not sell the shock absorber line in Canada, I was out of luck and had to continue to rely on the three sports bras I was using, one of which, made me look like a 1950’s pin-up girl and I was too lazy to put on the other – it has too many clasps. The best of the lot merged my boobs into what I called ‘uni-boob mountain.’ It even had it’s own peak.

Anyway, a few weeks ago while shopping in my favourite Montreal lingerie store I found the shock absorber and I have to say that I am very happy with this bra (sadly, it is not the one in the picture). It has passed the test of bra ownership (I had it on a month long probation). The most amazing thing about the shock absorber is that I could wear it outside of the gym. It does not create the uni-boob mountain. I have two boobs all the time! Two boobs! I guess I have more of a mountain range now.

I probably think about gym attire more than I need to. This is for a few reasons. First, I am built for comfort, so there are things that I can’t wear out of respect for my fellow gym goers. Second, I am really picky* and don’t like to wear anything that is too big or has sleeves that are too long. Third, I only like pants that go a few inches past my knees. I also need shirts that go precisely to my hips. The final complication is that, due to my dedication to capoeira, I spend a lot of time upside down. I am either doing handstands, cartwheels or, most recently, front walkovers.

Also, I have specially chosen panties that will aide my silhouette when sporting close fitting pants and shirts. I only have three of the perfect panties for the job, so that makes for some difficult laundry timing. It is all very complicated.

Upon revision of this post, I think I may be a slave to my vanity.

*I had originally written "...a little picky" but I have changed it on Vijay's insistance.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007

So, this morning I lay in bed conflicted. I had these two competing drives. I wanted to keep sleeping but I was also really excited to pull on the new jeans I bought yesterday. I like them. They are black and it has been years since I have bought a pair of black jeans. Mainly because when I see black jeans they make me think of two things. I either think of rockers in the 80’s and 90’s or I think about my aunt who, while a lovely person, always wears black jeans because they are slimming. She often goes for the mom-cut and then wears it with a purple turtleneck tucked in and some sort of black or African print vest with matching jewelry. You can understand why I would be hasty when it comes to buying a pair of black jeans.

Anyway, obviously I decided to go and get up and come to work and now every minute that passes I wonder why I came. I’m lacking desire to be here, but that is ok, I have come to terms with it and I am leaving in 15 minutes anyway. OK, my managing editor just handed me a beer, so I will be here for at least 20 minutes.

Later tonight I have to go to the health food/hippie store near my house. That cardamom scented palace* just happens to sell the Burt’s Bees product line cheaper than the Pharmaprix and it is right close to my apartment. After I fight my way past blonde women with dred locks and parachute pants, sundry other tam-tam attending hippies and a collection of hipster/yuppies (or ‘huppies’ or ‘yupetrs’as I like to call them) I have to try to return a Burt’s Bees cream I bought yesterday. While the cream is rich and luxurious for sure, it also has this smell. At first it smells like honey, which I love. Then, as it absorbs in your skin, it smells like a small chlorine spill in a public restroom (yes it is the product in the picture). Why did they put this product on the market? I have to change it and go with something a bit more traditional.

The scent of my body cream is especially important. You see, on Friday I have plans to travel home to Toronto for the weekend. That isn’t a big deal. The big deal is how I may be getting there. I may well get a drive with, I hope you are securely seated, my capoeira instructor. There will be others on the car, but I need to look cute and smell great. This isn’t a done deal. I have to convince him that I would be the best car passenger ever. I will get final word on Wednesday or Thursday. Right now, all I can do is hope! Well, hope and plan my hair.

*There must be a law or custom that forces health product and organic food locations to smell like cardamom and various other “exotic” spices. If anyone knows why this is, please place a comment in the dedicated section.

Powered by Blogger