Prattle on
Friday, February 18, 2005
So, is the online Viagra trade really hot now, or what's the story? I ask because of all the spam I get at my personal address and at work, there are about a million e-mails trying to sell me Viagra. Over the holidays my inbox was just bogged down by the USA Bible people and another e-mail trying to get me to give people a side of beef for Christmas.

In 2005 all that has given way to other e-mails about printer cartridges, computer warehouses, and several opportunities to get degrees online from unaccredited institutions based solely on my life experience. However, there is one e-mail I get no less than 12 times a day. It's from "the little blue pill" people asking me "What is your life like?" I also get several other offers from different e-mail addresses. I would estimate that my spam is about 70% Viagra related.

I don't need Viagra. But I figure the Viagra trade must be real lucrative as I am being inundated with sales pitches.

I have also noticed an increase in the amount of business people from the Cameroon or Sierra Leon who need to get 27 million American dollars out of the country due to inheritance laws, or problems with the diamond mining company, or a corrupt regime. If I just helped them by providing all my banking information (bank name, address, fax number, account and pin number), I would be paid handsomely and the business person's children would be able to attend school, as is their dying mother's wish. And, by the way, if I know anyone who would be willing to help by marrying the beautiful young daughter of said business man, that would be great too.

Does anyone still fall for that?
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Great news! I have just added to the list of embarrassing things that have happened to me in 2005. The first really embarrassing thing was when I tried to give a friend of mine a kiss on the cheek. Well, he's a friend in that I think he's really good looking. Anyway, the hug was awkward and I ended up kissing him on the neck. Great.

Well, today one of the writers came into the office. I hadn't seen him since last year so we did the regular double cheek kiss. This is always normal for him though because he is European - well, English but whatever. Anyway, on his way out I was sitting at my desk and he came to give me yet another kiss. This time, totally unexpectedly and by accident, we kissed on the lips. That's special.

How's that for a comfortable work environment.

On the up side, I've averaged a kiss a month so far this year!
I'm in a tough spot here. On Sundays and Wednesdays I take capueira. It's a fantastic workout and it has that element of violence I really like. I mean it's too bad that you can't actually hit anyone, but still it's pretty good.

Anyway, I'm in a tough spot because a friend of mine from class (well, we aren't really 'friends' per se, we chat in class and then sometimes she drives me home, but only because she has to go right past my house) wears these pants that look very comfortable for the sport, however they have a problem. They are totally see through when she bends over. And, since we are constantly bending over, I've seen her butt like a million times.

So, what should I do here? Should I tell her that her pants just aren't doing the job they are supposed to do? I noticed the problem about 2 months ago. And, since she ALWAYS wears those pants she must be constantly washing them. So, the problem will just get worse. Perhaps I should tell her. But, she may just get embarrassed. Do I tell her before or after class?

What are my obligations to her as we are essentially gym friends? This is like something right out of that game Scruples.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Life is about personal growth and I think that every day we learn things about ourselves. With this knowledge we can move forward and be better human beings.

You know what I've learned about myself in the past couple weeks? Where people are concerned, I have a limit. This came as a bit of a surprise as I am actually very friendly, outgoing and welcoming. Also, I love meeting new people. However, as it turns out, I don't like dealing with people as much as I thought I did. Certainly less than my bosses think I do.

See, I work with the public. A large part of my job is dealing with people across the country. It has been my experience that in general, most people make things harder rather than easier. People are stubborn, single minded, short sighted, spoiled and, yes, stupid. I'm sorry, but it's true.

Now I really think the reason I like martial arts so much is because I secretly want to smash people.

How will this knowledge help me? In my next job, the last thing I am going to want to do is deal with the mass of humanity at the gate.

What brought this on? I've been at work for 30 minutes now and have had to answer about 15 stupid stupid questions. The last one went like this: "If there is no reserved seating, how will we know where to sit?"
Monday, February 14, 2005
So, yesterday was crazy. I had a friend come over for brunch but realized that I didn’t have enough eggs, so I made a dash to the No Frills before she got to my place, thinking that the No Frills is just around the corner and I should be gone for about 15 minutes tops. WRONG! I get there and there are about a million people in line and darting about the store in a shopping frenzy. No Frills was having a $1.00 sale EXTRAVAGANZA. It was crazy. I ended up getting more than just the eggs – you can’t say no when broccoli and luncheon meat is a buck – but the carts of my fellow shoppers were jam packed with all sorts of things. I mean overflowing.

The store was packed. I was repeatedly pushed into the avocados by busy grandmas and almost tripped by absent minded toddlers. At one point I had to wait in a line up just to walk around the corner. Getting eggs, bread, some veggies and other sundries cost me 30 minutes I will not be getting back.

Check out time, and my line up was moving faster than most, so I was pleased. Picking a good line up is key, and normally I do a terrible job of it. Then, in a stroke of good karma, a middle aged man let me step in front of him because I watched his cart for about 10 minutes as he went searching for some cereal. Things were going well. Even the minor crisis of a lost 8 year old was solved quickly and efficiently by store security.

The line was moving smoothly, but the high pressure environment of the dollar sale was too much for some. An overzealous middle aged male shopper collided with a harried teen-age stocking clerk and tensions rose culminating in the shopper challenging the 16 year old clerk to a fight in the parking lot, “You wanna go? We can go outside right now!” All eyes were on the pair as they squared off in front of the Sunlight and Downey fabric softener. The sound of stifled laughter filled the air as the man raised his arms in a challenge while his gut nudged the potato chips of a by-standing customer. Not to be outdone the 16 year old, half hiding behind his cart of returns replied, “Do ya really wanna fight me, old man? You might have a heart attack.” Finally the surrounding customers made room for the two combatants to pass each other without an explosion of violence. It could have been messy.

With the show over, I turned my gaze back to the check-out just in time to see a woman and her son unload their cart onto the conveyor belt. On their way to the scanner was about 6 bottles of pop, a giant container of Kool aide mix, seven boxes of pogo sticks, several containers of Oreo cookie pudding, various kinds of chewy granola bars, and 10 bags of Doritos and sundry other typed of ‘food’ that isn’t actually food. Basically her grocery shop was 85% sugar and salt. Don’t get me wrong. I like my share of junk, but it must be like Halloween every day in her house.

Anyway, I had to fight my way out of there. Exiting alone took me 10 minutes. I am a little afraid that someone got trampled on the way to the frozen food section, the premium Superfries were on for $1.00.

Powered by Blogger